Training for the Idiot: Day One

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April 3, 2013


Idiot Master Bedroom

The Idiot and his wife are watching “Nashville”. (Quit laughing, I like Connie Britton, what can I say?)

The wife glances over at her Idiot husband, the Idiot husband that is clutching two chocolate chip cookies in one hand and a cool glass of milk in the other.

“How’s that training coming Idiot?”

(My wife, holder of two degrees in the Dark Arts of Psychology, knows exactly which buttons to push)
April 4, 2013

Idiot Household

Clad only in dark green jockey briefs (TMI), the world’s whitest human shuffles across the floor and approaches the digital scale.

He sucks in his gut, raises his shoulders, throws his head back, and then lets out more air than a Sperm Whale that has been submerged for three hours. Now shriveled and “airless”, the idiot wobbles onto the scale and tries to stand perfectly still.

The scale creaks, cracks, and groans under the weight of the overweight whitest man on the planet.


That is my official APPALACHIAN TRAIL TRAINING PROGRAM starting weight.

In my head, I envision starting hiking at about 225 lbs. The trail supposedly takes 10%-20% off your body weight over the course of the hike, so this would result in a triumphant photo atop Mt. Katahdin with my weighing UNDER 200 lbs for the first time in about 25 years.

Minutes later, the training has commenced.

The Idiot has waddled out of his closet.

Gray New Balance Running Shoes
White “bootie” socks
Blue Running Shorts
Bright Red “CANADA” pullover
Bright Yellow “Oregon Ducks” Baseball Cap
Green Ipod
The Idiot in Training looks like something out of a Simpsons Cartoon.

And with that, the Idiot clicked on his Ipod, Katy Perry and “California Gurls” started blaring, the front door slammed shut, and the Idiot headed out onto the streets of his tiny town.

Note to self: Cold, Misty, Foggy weather with temps in the 40’s, with a wind chill in the 30’s, is GLOVES weather!! Get gloves ya idiot!!!

After two short miles of walking, with frozen hand still clutching the Ipod, which is now playing “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, the idiot returns home. The first two miles of walking have been logged. (Baby steps Idiot…Baby Steps)’
Before long, I will be a lean, mean, walking machine………..

I’ll try to do weekly updates on my training each Monday. I figure making everything public, including my current weight, will pressure me into staying on course. If I start to slack off on the exercise, or start to GAIN weight, please feel free to let me have it in the comments. I’m like a little puppy. Whack me upside the head with a rolled up newspaper a few times, and I’ll learn not to pee on the carpet. Not that I pee on the carpet or anything, just so we are clear on that….. no carpet peeing here. I don’t know about Steve, but MY carpets are safe.

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