If you happen to live east of the Mississippi, please look closely at this map of the Appalachian Trail.
Do YOU live anywhere within a few HUNDRED miles of the trail?
If the answer is YES, we would love to have the opportunity to meet with you as we pass through your area. You are welcome to come meet us on the trail, meet us as we dash across a busy highway, or meet us in front of a local convenience store as we are on our hands and knees feverishly scavenging for spilled M&M’s.
You are welcome to throw on a pack and join us for a hike of a few minutes, hours, days, or even weeks. If you have no pack, you are welcome to bring a large Wal-Mart sack, provided the sack contains large amounts of snack items for the two famished idiot hikers, and provided that you have gotten properly vaccinated after spending time in your local Wal-Mart.
If meeting us out on the trail, please dress appropriately for the conditions and the season. This means long pants and long-sleeved workshirts for the men, irregardless of the season, and skimpy thong undergarments or swimwear for the ladies, again irregardless of the season. Your pets are welcome to join you, provided said animal is fully adapt at the detection, cornering, and killing of all snakes within 10 miles of our position on the trail.
Steve is a technical wizard of all things electronic and will be undertaking various computer hacking schemes that will allow our current position to be broadcast on a virtual map of the Appalachian Trail during the Nightly News with Brian Williams on NBC each weeknight, and in the non-stop score ticker scrolling across the bottom of any ESPN channel on weekends. This should allow you plenty of advanced notice as we slowly approach your area.
So, once again, look at the map. Are we coming through your state? Are we coming through an adjacent state? Are we coming through a state that is two-states away from being an actual adjacent state? Are we coming through your COUNTRY?
If Yes, we would love to meet you!
Trust me, after days, weeks, or months on the trail with no contact with humans other than fellow hikers that all look like the spitting image of 1980’s Kenny Loggins……….. we will be DYING to meet actual CLEAN human beings!
So, start making plans now! Before you know it, the Idiots will be hiking your way!